A Response to the Crazy Search Terms that Have Led People to My Blog

Dear James Franco:

One of WordPress’s most useful perks is that you can view a list of the Internet search terms that have led people to your blog. Every day, I examine the list and find the most mind-boggling sets of keywords and phrases. The most frequent and mundane are “James Franco’s address,” and “Who won the 2012 Playboy Fiction Contest?” Others are rather frightening. In my first two blog postings (“James Franco: Are you a Real Writer?”), I’d written a brief—albeit ironic—defense of nepotism in the literary world. The words “nepotism” and “literary journals” have invited the most venomous search terms, like “Ninth Letter nepotism close friends,” and, “Fence editor favoring soliciting hipsters,” and (this one made my blood boil because it’s downright wrong), “You must be an editor of a journal to get published in Cincinnati Review.”

I’ve extracted a selection of search queries that have appeared during the last few months. I’m going to respond to them as if they’re questions, and provide the best possible answers.

1)     does james franco have big wrists

I’ve just examined about 100 photographs of James Franco. I will never do that again. His wrists normal to me. Why would anyone want to know his wrist size? If, somehow, the world could arrive at the consensus that James Franco’s wrists are, indeed, big, would this inquiring wrist-sleuth jump up and declare to all his doubters, “Ha! I told you fuckers, but you didn’t believe me! Look for yourselves! The Association for the Objective Analysis and Measurement of Anatomical Regions issued the results of their two-year James Franco study! His wrists are big!”

2)     Is james franco book palo alto being made into movie?

Word has it that Gia Coppola is currently writing the screenplay and will be directing the Palo Alto film. I’m doing the voice-overs. In Klingon.

3)     Who won the Playboy Fiction Contest?

Me. Don Peteroy. Write that down. I won that shit out of that contest, hardcore, 1997-style. Respect. I rocked it. You know why I rocked it? Because I fucking rock. Because I win things when it’s winning time. OK, I’m being horribly snobby and prideful. This was the 4th time I entered the contest, and frankly, I’m still convinced that I’m just a novice.

4)     sample of james francos writin

Before you look for a sample of James Franco’s writing, find a sample of a well-written sentence. Anyway, here’s a link for his story “Just Before Black.” It appeared in Esquire online. http://www.esquire.com/fiction/james-franco-fiction-0410. Actually, you should read this instead: http://www.narrativemagazine.com/node/164739. It’s a story by my friend Brian Trapp. He’s a better a writer, and he doesn’t get automatically published. Call this nepotism if you want, but I’m just trying to provide you the best possible literary experience.

5)     James Franco Palo Alto fiction or nonfiction?

Who the hell cares?

6)     as i lay dying propaganda academia

This is difficult to decipher. My guess is someone is questioning the sincerity of James Franco’s recent announcement that he’ll be directing a cinematic version of Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying. The anti-Franco camp believes that he broadcasts these tentative projects in order to draw attention to himself. One should investigate the potential correlations between declines in the sale of his book, Palo Alto, and his public declarations of literary-cinematic projects. I bet that if tomorrow morning, Mr. Franco sends out a tweet announcing that he’s producing and directing an experimental version of Moby Dick (which takes place in a nursing home), Palo Alto’s sales will jump significantly.

7)     hemingway like any writer 95% the other 5% ends up in the trash

What the fucking fuck? Here’s my speculation. Some undergrad did ten bong hits, smoked a bowl of synthetic weed, then went to his/her Intro to Writing Class. The professor discussed Hemingway’s Theory of Omission in fiction (the Iceberg Analogy: “…the dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water”) during the first part of class, then talked about revision—how most drafts end up in the trash—during the second. The tweaked-out student convoluted the lesson. Later, she wanted clarification, so she Googled what she thought the professor had said.

8)     a smell song makes kirsten dunst use the bathroom

I’ve thought about this one for days. My guess is that this person thinks there’s a certain song—a song about smelling, nonetheless—that Kirsten Dunst goes out of her way to avoid because whenever she hears it, she has to take a dump. He probably believes that everyone is vulnerable to this sonic infliction. He (yes, I’m assuming it’s a male) probably plans to find her, aim a boom box at her, blast the defecation-inducing song, and then jump for joy as she rushes to the nearest bathroom.  If I could guess what song it’d be, I’d have to say, “Dust in the Wind.” That song makes me want to shit.

9)     how to write a letter to james franco

Start a blog.

10)     is the westchester review a legitimate publication

I have a question. What makes a literary magazine illegitimate? The Westchester Review is legitimate because they sent me a physical copy, and it contains literature by writers at various stages. Is this a question about nepotism? For the record, I don’t know anyone at the Westchester Review. If you’re aspiring to expose the lit-mag world as being fraught with nepotism and all-encompassing elitist conspiracies, your efforts will be as futile as attempting to prove that Obama plans to impose death panels on the elderly.

11)     james franco foot rub

Now we’re talking! Don’t misread me, though. I wouldn’t give James Franco a foot rub even if I had bags fastened around my hands, a gas mask, and a check for $5,000. But I admire this person’s implied sense of eroticism.

12)     what did you think about palo alto by james franco

So perfectly competent that I’ve forgotten every story.

13)     what happened to james franco studying at university of Houston

He didn’t go. Word on the street is that the University of Houston plans to move to New York City in order to make the program more accommodating to James. Several other universities are preparing to do the same. The Iowa Writer’s Workshop is relocating to a building across the street from James Franco, and the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor is taking up residency in his basement.

14)     dzanc careers

This is one of the more random entries. Yes, dzanc careers. I agree. We’ve all been thinking about that lately. Dzanc is an indie book publisher. They have a lot of great titles, and I’ve never been upset with a Dzanc book. As for careers, word on the street is that they’re looking for someone who is skilled at replacing batteries—with a computer mouse battery-insertion specialty. It starts at $80,000 a year and offers stock options. Go for it. Apply.

15)     i love awp code chat

I did notice some “code chat” at AWP in Chicago this year. The elite among us have their own language of secret codes, consisting of vomiting, high-pitched nose blowing, inverted 50-cent quotes, ten-second masturbation routines, and banging together cans of WD-40. I was privy to a few translations. One distinguished editor said (via nose blowing and jerking off) to a famously emerging writer, “See that women over there? I’m gonna fuck her brains out tonight.” A lesser-known book reviewer used WD-40 to ask a blog celebrity, “Do you think anyone at the panel could tell I’d taken acid?”

16)     does james franco abuse amphetamines

Hmm. And If so, does he have access to Heisenberg’s blue meth? Can he score me some?

17)     does palo alto by james franco have sex scenes in kt:

Kt has an amazing sex scene, one that would have put John Updike to shame. It’s a thirty-page foot fetish scene in which the protagonist sucks a young women’s toes after she jogs around a track two hundred times on a 120 degree day. Then, he honor’s the woman’s fetish: she has intense orgasms when she’s making love in a room full of cats. She releases 300 cats from their cage, and lets them run loose around the room while the couple gets it on in bed. It’s a little hard for the lovers to maneuver around frenzied felines; the cats keep swiping at their feet and clawing their hair, but in the end, she’s satisfied and they all cuddle together

18)     james franco you stuck that one yo love

Yo learn english u no bc u make no senz.

19)     james franco wrist measurements

Again? His left wrist is twenty-seven inches wide, and fourteen miles long. His right wrist is two millimeters wide, and a half an inch long. It has nineteen micro-TVs implanted just below the hand, and microwave.

20)    james franco illuminati

This scares me. I’m trying hard to see the correlation. People who believe in the Illuminati are usually hyper-paranoid extremists who project irrational connections and patterns everywhere. For example: the nutritional facts on a bag of Doritos is actually a code written to wealthy satanic homosexuals, beckoning them to open abortion clinics. So, allow me to play around. You, James Franco, were the MC at the 2011 Oscars. Perhaps that was a facade… maybe you’d been selected as the Illuminati’s spokesperson for celebrating the New World Order’s takeover of Hollywood. Let’s look at the films chosen that year, and how they embody Satan’s one-world government agenda: Black Swan was about possession. Inception was about the government takeover of minds. The Kids are Alright celebrates homosexuality. The Social Network celebrates internet mind-control, and the loss of the individual’s soul through communist-style “social networking.” And 127 Hours advocates the satanic emo ideology of bodily desecration.

21)     did james franco sacrifice his dad

Of course he did! In order to become a member of the Illuminati, one has to receive silicon wrist implants, engage in nepotism, give foot rubs, take amphetamines, and sacrifice a family member.

22)     can undergraduates get published in tin house

A better question would be, “Can someone get published in Tin House?” I’m being sarcastic. They feature new writers all the time. As for undergraduates, I can’t recall if it was Tin House or another magazine, but I read in the submission guidelines, “Only undergraduates who agree to a urine analysis test may submit stories.”

23)     james foot fetish franco

That’s what I’m saying. Foot fetishists unite!

24)     use visualization to get a blowjob

Oh, this is sad. I’m picturing some sexually repressed creeper who’d just read The Secret. He’s sitting in lotus position, imagining in detail someone giving him a blowjob, and believing that the mystical power of visualization will beckon an eager pair of lips his way. The fact that this dude is visualizing oral sex is odd, too. Why not visualize the whole naughty-nasty? Either this is a goofy teenager, someone with a very unfortunate disposition, or someone whose significant other isn’t down with the mouth business. Word of advice: ditch the meditation. Get up off your yoga mat. If you seek, you will find. Actually, I take that back. Stay inside and meditate. Yeah, why don’t you just do that. Please.

25)     who has kirsten dunst sued.

As far as I know, she hasn’t sued anyone, but hang tight. I wrote a novel called My Helicopter Heart. She’s a character in it. If it ever gets published, there’s a high probability that she’ll be enticed to consider suing me, though I’d like to think she wouldn’t. It’s supposed to be flattering.

26)     i can’t understand robert pinsky

I don’t understand him either. He over-pronounces the letter “S” and it fucks me up. But if you’re talking about his poetry, then someone’s not teaching you well. Someone told you that in order to enjoy poetry, you have to understand it. You’ve been misinformed: poetry isn’t a puzzle; you’re not supposed to decode it or figure it out. Tell your teacher this: poems are not meant to be abstractions which the reader converts to coherent information blips; they’re meant to be experiences.

27)     oyez review and nepotism

Fuck you, OK? Yes, there’s nepotism in the publishing world, but it’s rare. The Oyez Review doesn’t do that. Here’s what I’m thinking. There are certain writers who think they’re much better at writing than they actually are. They send a world-changing short story (written in one draft to preserve the genius of spontaneity) to a little magazine like the Oyez Review, and get a rejection. They flip the fuck out. Magazines reject: that’s what they do, but I guess some people think they’re an exception. Unable to accept that, hmm, maybe the story isn’t good enough (yet), they blame the magazine for being unethical. Grow up.

28)     mfa bullshit blogs

This must be one of them. I’m happy to have been discovered. And now that you’ve found me, I hope you read my stories and come to the conclusion that they’re “cookie cutter” stories produced in the MFA machine. I’m pretty sure that every literary magazine story you read—all three of them, per year—get’s the “cookie-cutter” label. Also, now that I get to be added to the growing list of MFA bullshit blogs, you’re free to investigate examples of nepotism. Actually, give yourself a night off from amassing proof that the lit culture rejects brilliance for mediocrity. Why don’t you use that time to write a distinguishable story?

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About Letters to James Franco

My name is Don Peteroy. I'm a PhD. candidate at University of Cincinnati. My major has a long name, so try to say it in one breath: "English and Comparative Literature with a Creative Dissertation." I spent the majority of my adult years as a social worker. I decided it's pointless to help people, so I've devoted the rest of my life to reading and writing. Here's all my publications and works in progress: My novella, "Wally," published by Burrow Press, in the fall of 2012. Novella: "A World Without Owls" Unpublished. Novel: "My Helicopter Heart" Unpublished. A failed playwright stalks Kirsten Dunst during the Christian apocalypse. My short story, "The Circuit Builders" is the winner of the 2012 Playboy College Fiction contest, and will appeared in the October 2012 issue. Here's are more published and forthcoming short stories: "The Trouble With Hello is Goodbye": Arcadia Magazine 7, 2014. "Kurt Vonnegut Didn't Like Me" Online Sundries, 2/14 http://www.arcadiamagazine.org/4/post/2014/02/kurt-vonnegut-didnt-like-me.html "Because I Want to Know You" forthcoming reprint in Short Story America "A Hole Without A Rim," forthcoming in the Florida Review "Keeping it for Good," The Heartland Review. Forthcoming. “A Penny In A Pill Bottle,” Dislocate, Winter 2012. “Because I Want to Know You” Yemessee, 19.2, 2002. “The Sluggers” Santa Carla Review. Spring 2012. “Maps and Legends” Chattahoochee Review. Spring 2012. “Melinda, Listen to Me” Permafrost, vol. 33, 2011. “Rondo” Licking River Review, Fall 2011. “The Ugly Marriage Counselor” Eleven Eleven, vol.11, 2011. “The Healing Frequency” Newport Review, Summer 2011. “His Name Equals His Name” The Ultimate Writer Magazine, Summer 2011. “This Is How I Will Hold You” The Westchester Review, vol. 5, 2011. “In Accordance To The Needs Of A Canadian Literary Magazine” Worcester Review, vol. 31.1, 2011. “Too Much Anthropology” Cream City Review, vol. 34.2, 2011. “There Are No Fragments” Ellipsis, vol. 46, 2010. “Confessions of a Misunderstood Sidekick” Farallon Review, vol.3, 2010 “One Day, God Will Kill Everyone” Oyez Review, vol. 37, 2010. “When Hawks Make Love” The Susquehanna Review, Fall 2009. “Goddess Corpse” The Maynard, Fall 2009. “Misconceptions About the Nature of Blood” CRIT Journal, Summer 2009. “Go Up” The Cynic, Fall 2009. “The Misuse of Old British Words” Two Hawks Quarterly, Spring 2009. “Dead or Unlisted” The Rejected Quarterly, Spring 2003. “Sleep Log” The Timber Creek Review, Spring 2002. There are other stories out there, somewhere, but I've lost track. Awards: “From One Object to Another.” Finalist for the Glimmer Train Short Fiction Award, 2009. “His Name Equals His Name” Finalist for the Gulf Coast Donald Barthelme Award, 2009. “In Accordance To The Needs Of A Canadian Literary Magazine” 2011 Pushcart Prize nominee. "A World Without Owls." Finalist, Gold Line Press Chapbook Contest, 2011. “Confessions of a Misunderstood Sidekick” Sacramento Stories on Stage Series in California, June 2011. "The Circuit Builders" winner of the Playboy College Fiction Award 2012. "The Trouble With Hello is Goodbye" nominated for a Pushcart Award.

10 responses to “A Response to the Crazy Search Terms that Have Led People to My Blog”

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    Thank you Don! I laughed so hard when I read your post, you’re hilarious!

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